


The Knight of Wands

by Pemdas_24



Category: Phandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: AU, M/M, Phil grows up having psychic visions of Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-09
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-02-24 17:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2589746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pemdas_24/pseuds/Pemdas_24
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a boy in his dreams every night. One who laughs and smiles and sometimes cries. A boy he doesn't know. He's been around so long that Phil can't even remember when he first appeared.</p><p>________________</p><p>A fic where Phil has visions of a Dan he's never met... I literally have no idea how else to summarize this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_"The future. The Knight of Wands. Some guy who's going to make a big impact, an energetic warrior. He has a hasty personality and he's very quick to love or hate." - Phil Lester 2009_

****

There's a boy in his dreams every night. One who laughs and smiles and sometimes cries. A boy he doesn't know. It's been years of these dreams, so vivid and real, interspersed with all his other dreams that don't make sense. No matter what his other dreams involve, whether it's nightmares about cheese or visions of cute hamsters and hedgehogs, this boy always comes to him. This boy he has never met with brown hair, soft brown eyes, and a lone dimple in his left cheek. He's been around so long that Phil can't even remember when he first appeared. 

He never tells anyone about him because they'd surely think he's crazy. Instead, he keeps these imaginings to himself because that's all it can really be - a figment of his imagination. Maybe this boy is what's left over of an imaginary friend he created as a child; one he can't remember, and one who never went away. 

He manages it for a while. Realizes it's pretty easy to ignore since he only sees the boy at night in the privacy of his own home, but then things change. The dreams become stronger at night and Phil finds the boy in his head one day when he's daydreaming in pure daylight. It becomes harder for him to focus in class, focus on his friends, and teachers. He gets hit in the head with a ball twice during gym that day. And even when he's sent to the nurse dizzy and in pain, the boy is still there. 

"You all right, dear?" The nurse asks him. What was he supposed to say? 

"There's a strange boy in my head who won't leave me alone." 

Well, whatever he was supposed to say, it wasn't that. The nurse looks at him funny, worried. She's probably wondering whether or not she should send him home and advise his parents to take him to get his head evaluated. Phil is preparing himself for when she's going to pick up the phone and call his parents, but then she brings a chair toward the resting cot he's sitting on and sits down so they're at eye level. Phil almost squirms from the serious look in her eyes as she watches him. Nurse eyes, that are intent to examine what's wrong with the boy in front of her. 

"Has this boy done anything to hurt you?" 

"I got hit in the head with a ball twice today because he keeps distracting me." Phil wasn't sure if that was fair to the boy in his head because he hadn't distracted him on purpose and he gets injured a lot on his own anyway. The nurse must know that much since he was in her office just last week for tripping down the stairs and scraping his knee. He's too clumsy for his own good. She seems to recognize that this accident was mostly because of his own clumsiness so she rephrases her question. 

"All right, but does this boy scare you? Are you afraid of him?" 

Phil thinks about that, this boy in his head with his high-pitched and sometimes even girly laugh. His smile that shows the one dimple in his cheek. The way he cries once in a while and how it makes Phil feel sad. "No, he's not scary." Nothing about the boy has ever seemed even remotely threatening and the nurse seems a bit more relieved once he answers. 

"How long has he been bothering you?" 

"I don't know... I don't know who he is." He turns his gaze toward the floor when he sees the nurse nod in deep thought. "Are you going to call my parents and tell them I'm crazy now?" 

"No, Philip. You can tell them if you want to and you ought to do that if this boy ever really bothers you. For now, he seems quite harmless," she says kindly. She waits for him to look her back in the eyes before she continues speaking, her voice firm and leaving no room for disagreement. "But if he _ever_ becomes scary or starts to hurt you, you should tell your parents about him or come tell me, okay?" 

Phil just nods his head. The nurse notices then that the ice pack he's been using is beginning to melt so she stands up to fetch a new one from the freezer. "You don't think I'm crazy?" He asks as the nurse pulls the melting ice pack away from his head before handing him the new one wrapped in cloth.

"I'll tell you something Phil that I've only told someone once. My grandfather had a boy in his head he knew everything about." She smiles at the wide-eyed look of interest on his face before she continues. "My granddad would tell me stories about him. What this boy looked like over the years, what he did, what he liked. He was even convinced that he knew the boy's name. That this boy was real." Phil had never really considered that the boy in his head could be real. He couldn't possibly be, but...what if he was? 

"Was he real then? Did your granddad meet him?"

The nurse smiles and shakes her head as she readjusts the ice pack slipping from Phil's grasp in his distraction. "He never did, actually. But that doesn't mean the boy wasn't real. My granddad thought maybe instead of being able to meet this boy in the future, he had already met him. In some sort of past life where they were the best of friends and grew up together. All those thoughts of the boy in his head, they were just old memories from another life. At least that's what he always said to me." 

The nurse turns away then, leaving Phil to hold the ice pack on his own while she starts writing down notes. Whenever he comes to her office, the nurse always puts those notes in the same folder, a folder that is getting fat. Phil is pretty sure that folder is a log book of all the injuries his clumsiness has caused him over the years. It takes Phil a minute to realize the nurse is talking to him again as she finishes writing.

"Would you like to meet the boy in your head one day?" 

Phil kicks his legs back and forth, watching them swing. Even though he is growing faster than many of his schoolmates, his feet still can't manage to touch the floor of the impossibly high infirmary cot. "That would be all right, I guess. If I met him." He looks up just in time to see the nurse smile and store away the note she's just finished into that same folder. 

"Then I hope you will." She makes her way back over to his cot and gestures for him to hand over the ice pack. Once he does, she smooths back the messy fringe in his face, checking for bruises and bumps. "You seem all right, though you might have a bruise or two tomorrow. And you could use a haircut. This fringe of yours falling into your eyes won't help you watch where you're going." Phil likes the nurse because she reminds him of his mum, especially now. 

"I'll just get some of that fancy hair gel. Come into school with a mohawk," Phil grins. The nurse shakes her head at him and ignores his response, but gestures for him to jump down from the cot. _Carefully,_ she reminds him. No need to injure himself again when he's already in the infirmary. 

"Spare band-aids?" She offers again when he's on his way out and back to class. Phil has learned to expect this question. It's what the nurse has always done after he ended up in her office more than twice a week during his first month here. Phil has also learned to just accept the band-aids because he never knows when he might scrape his knee again and there's no nurse or infirmary in sight. 


	2. Chapter 2

Phil is older now. His hair is no longer ginger and he's taller than most of his schoolmates by a long shot, but the boy is still in his head. Phil begins to wonder more and more each day about if he'll ever meet him. 

Each night and each day continues to be filled with visions of the same boy and yet he's not the same. The boy is older now too. Phil didn't realize it for a while because the changes happening to the boy when he was younger weren't very obvious, but now he notices the difference. The boy is growing older just like he is, as if they are close to the same age. That's how Phil notices the changes in the first place. It's because the same changes that he went through during puberty are what he has now become witness to in his mind. 

Over the years, Phil has grown used to having the boy in his head. He still keeps the secret to himself though because he's sure no one would believe him. That doesn't matter so much anymore. Phil has come to recognize the boy as a...friend. Something or someone comforting and familiar. He knows this person in his thoughts as much as he knows his best friends in real life and he has memories with this boy just like anyone else he knows.

He knows the boy likes llamas because he smiled so big and bright in his mind, his dimple forming a huge crater in his cheek and his eyes twinkling when Phil saw one at the zoo months ago. He knows the boy likes Muse just like him because he can feel his happiness radiating outward with his whenever he listens to one of their songs. He knows the boy has a corrupted mind and favors a sarcastic wit because his comebacks feel as if they're on the tip of Phil's own tongue whenever he finds himself in an awkward situation. He's left handed, he swears and winks far too much, and his pants sag even when he's wearing a belt. And Phil's mind is still traumatized from the time when the boy appeared in his thoughts laughing loudly before a mental image of a horrible red and messy organ-like thing directly followed. Phil also regrets looking it up online just to know the thing is called a placenta. 

The point is, he knows this boy though he still struggles with the name no matter how hard he tries to know it. At least he is fairly sure he's getting close and that it starts with a D. Besides, he doesn't need to know the boy's name to _know_ him. He's been with this boy for as long as he can remember and so his personality, his likes and dislikes, and his appearance come to him easily now. He remembers how the boy used to be and now that he's noticed the changes he goes through in his head, Phil worries more and more. 

The boy is older too and he's changed. He used to be full of light, smiling and laughing most of his days like he was, in the boy's own words that come to his mind, "the fucking sun from the Teletubies." More and more these days though, Phil sees the boy's face become more severe. His eyes look duller, his smiles dimmer, and his laughs not quite as loud as they used to be. His visions of a bright, mischievous, and delightfully awkward boy he grew up with have been replaced with this...stranger who wears an ever increasing and depressing amount of black. Phil's heart breaks a little more each time the boy comes to visit him in tears. He seems to be breaking down and crying a lot more these days, more than he ever used to. And there's nothing Phil can do to comfort him. 

It's during these darker days, that Phil hears the boy's voice for the first time. Not a laugh, but actual words. Well, just one word. He says Phil's name in an accent that makes it perfectly clear that he's British. So Phil files that fact away into his ever growing list of this person in his head and hopes it means they'll meet soon. Every day the visions of him become clearer and darker and Phil just hangs on to the fact that the boy is British too. He's British, so if he exists in this world and time, the boy is within his reach. He lives in the same country. 

So Phil hopes and prays that maybe the nurse's granddad was wrong. Maybe it's not the past, maybe this boy is his future. Whoever he is.  
Because Phil can't stand the idea that somewhere, sometime, this boy is hurting and no one ever comes to help him. 

****

_"Has anyone ever saved you, emotionally or physically?"_

_"Phil?" - Dan Howell 2009 tweet_


	3. Chapter 3

The name hits him like a train one day, comes out of nowhere - Dan. It really did start with the letter D and finally knowing the boy's name seems like an accomplishment of some kind. It's just the first name, but it's a start. Phil is so happy he finally knows it that he fails to realize the effect his discovery has on their strange connection. Knowing his name opens up new doors. Phil finds Dan's voice floating around in his head more in a way it never has. Before, it was rare to hear even a single word in his voice, but now they have...conversations. If you can call it that. The visions of Dan also come far more easily to him. 

Phil is happy for the clarity, still clinging to the hope that they will meet soon and he can help this Dan who still goes into crisis mode far too often. However, his attempts to ask Dan questions and get him talking about where he lives so they can meet, always fail. Their conversations are mostly one-sided and far too vague. If Phil begins to pry, it's like an off switch is hit in his brain and Dan disappears without giving him any answers. It can get very frustrating, feeling so close and yet so far away. Phil decides then that meeting Dan isn't something he can force, if it's even possible at all. 

He's still not sure whether Dan exists in his time, his world. He hopes he does, but he doesn't know for sure. Deciding there's nothing he can do to get answers from Dan leaves him thinking instead. He takes each new revelation and tiny insight into Dan's existence as they come and begins to consider something he never took the time to think about before. Who would Dan be to him? There are so many possibilities that it makes Phil's head spin. 

Maybe Dan is part of his family. They obviously can't be brothers, unless his parents have been hiding a huge part of his life from him about being adopted or giving Dan up, but maybe they are still related. Maybe Dan is some weird, long lost cousin or something. That could be interesting. Phil ends up sneaking looks through his mum's family albums trying to see if anyone reminds him even slightly of Dan, but no one does. 

He then turns to the thought of Dan being a _different_ kind of family member. Phil wants to scratch that thought out of his mind though the second he thinks it because there is no way _Dan,_ the boy he pretty much grew up with, is his future child. That is too weird and awkward if it comes true. Dan is pretty fit and that would be a weird thing to think about your...son. No way can that be true. Phil considers briefly then that maybe Dan, since Phil finds him fit, is his future partner, but that seems quite absurd too. Phil finds Dan fit, sure, but he isn't so sure about his actual sexuality (or Dan's for that matter) so he skips over that idea and saves it for later. 

Maybe Dan is just a friend. Phil finds he isn't very happy with that answer either though. It doesn't seem like enough. Dan seems like someone so much more important to him somehow and Phil simply doesn't know in what way that is. So maybe Dan is some combination of things. Someone who is a friend, his first hardcore male crush maybe, his colleague at their shared place of employment in the future, and maybe his flatmate. That last one in particular sets off a string of images in his head that seem too real.

_"We're not a family of ten, Phil."_

_"Did you put a cat sticker on my piano?"_

_"You and your bloody house plants."_

_"Uh...Is that what I thi- is my toy on fire right now?"_

In these visions where Dan is talking to him, they are already flatmates and Phil smiles at the thought of it, how happy they seem even through the chaos of their life together. He smiles even more when he sees that he doesn't look much older in those false memories than he does now. One day soon then, if he truly exists, he and Dan will meet. They'll make these memories or even new ones. Phil doesn't really care which. All he knows is that he can't wait to find out the truth.

He can't wait to finally know who Dan is to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes are from these videos in the order of the quotes' usage:
> 
> 1) A Day in the Life of Phil and Dan! (AmazingPhil YouTube video - @1:39)  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vKrHJeGUKq8
> 
> 2) A Day in the Life of Dan and Phil in London! (AmazingPhil YouTube video - @2:38)  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rswFsrMIaR0
> 
> 3) Phil is not on fire 6 (AmazingPhil YouTube video - @1:19)  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqR9h249yh8
> 
> 4) Dan and Phil Show (BBC Radio 1 on 1/05/14)  
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMOlqy9wD_M  
> (Above link is a random and short YouTube clip from the Dan and Phil show - @1:43)
> 
> ****
> 
> I am trying to cite all the places I'm getting my quotes, but I never really had to do that before and bleh... Don't hate me if my citations and references suck please! I tried. xP


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** Please take heed of how I've chosen not to use Archive Warnings and kept the tags and summary for this story to quite a minimum.  
>  Therefore, if you're overly sensitive to _anything_ I could have warned you against (which would have resulted in spoilers), READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!  
>  Also...I'm sorry in advance.

_"I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest  
when all you want to do is be with someone." - Dan Howell 2009 tweet _

*****

Phil is home from university for a visit so he's scrolling through Tumblr and sitting patiently in his parents' living room when his mum finally comes back home. She apparently had plans to meet with an old friend yesterday "down south" and has been gone since then. Phil wonders why they didn't meet halfway in the country instead of his mum doing all the traveling, but she says she doesn't mind going that far for an old friend. 

"Are you up already, Phil?" He feels like he could laugh at that because his mum usually has to drag him out of bed and make him wake up when he comes to visit. 

"Yeah, I was tired so I went to bed early. How did your meet up go?" 

"Oh, lovely. Emily is doing well, her youngest is going to leave for Uni next year. It was nice to see her again." His mum places her things on the table and immediately goes to the kitchen to grab some drinks. "Do you want some water, dear?"

"Yes, please," Phil says as he decides to put his laptop away. He looks through Tumblr almost every day anyway and he hasn't seen his mum in a while. He moves himself over to sit at their dining room table, where his mum comes to sit next to him. He thanks her as she hands him a glass of water, cool with condensation already running down the side. "I'm guessing you're tired from being out all day yesterday so maybe we should just stay home today." 

"I'd like that. Anywhere with you is fine." It's such a classic mum response that it makes Phil smile. "Could you hand me my purse?" She gestures toward the things she left at his end of the table and he passes them over. He stares when his mum pulls out a rolled up paper from her bag. 

"You brought the paper home?" His mum never buys the newspaper, that's something his dad always does. 

"Emily always reads the paper so she got us one and I suppose I just put it in my bag. Didn't mean to, I must have forgotten. There are quite a few interesting things in here though." Her glasses slide toward the end of her nose as she opens the paper and flips through the pages, reading mostly to herself. Phil listens with some interest at the beginning, but then starts to tune out as his mum keeps reading on to the non-news pages full of adverts or things like weather. "Oh, the poor lad. Died at 17." 

"What?" 

"This boy here, Daniel James Howell," Phil's mind sparks in recognition, "his...what is it called? Obituary?" Phil suddenly feels light-headed and that is ridiculous because there is no way this Daniel is his Dan. Still, he can't help but move to the other end of the dining table to sit by his mum and see the page. When he looks, all he can seem to focus on are eyes that look back at him and are far too familiar. An enormous pit of dread forms in Phil's stomach, making him feel heavy and sick. Daniel James Howell. Daniel... _Dan._

He was real. He was here.  
And now he's dead. 

Phil tries not to let his distress show because he has no rational reason for it. Who would believe him if he said he was having a breakdown over realizing the boy he'd known in his head for practically all his life had died before he got to meet him? No one would. His mum notices his breathing though, his hands shaking where they sit on the table, his face suddenly so much paler than it already is. She notices just like any mum would. 

She immediately treats him like he is a child again and gathers him in her arms as best as she can now that he's grown so tall. She doesn't know why he looks so disturbed and Phil has no intention of answering her gentle questions of "what's wrong" because he knows it doesn't make any sense. They never met, not really. Dan was just a silly boy in his head created from his own imagination...except he wasn't. And it _hurts._ It hurts to know the boy is gone before he even got to meet him. Before he even got to help him. Maybe it's all his fault. 

He calms down later, turns numb and blank. He thinks it worries his mum even more than when he was on the verge of launching into a panic attack, but he can't seem to snap out of it. They don't go out that day at all or even the next because his mum spends the rest of the day trying to cheer him up before sending him to bed early in the hopes that sleeping will make him feel better. Instead, he clutches his mum's newspaper to his chest in fear of her throwing it away once he's gone and only manages to sleep after he's cried himself out in the privacy of his old bedroom. 

In the morning, his heart still aches and he realizes that Dan did not come to see him. Phil feels like someone's kicked him when he's already down because not only is Dan dead in real life, he's also gone from his mind. He calls and calls, turns his attention to his thoughts and looks inward, but nothing works and his mind stays Dan-less. Phil hates himself, blames himself, because he had been so naive to believe he and Dan would meet someday. He had wanted to know the truth. Well, this was the truth. Dan was gone and he'd never meet him. 

Phil spends the rest of that day alone in his room, his parents worrying and trying not to hover. All he can do is hold on to that stupid newspaper from Berkshire, reading the same little section over and over and trying not to fall back into tears.  
Daniel James Howell. _Dead at 17._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter for you. 
> 
> Sorry it took so long, but school was getting in the way, I was trying to do research for this and get details right, and I was debating back and forth over which quote to use.
> 
> Yes, I can be quite nitpicky...but at least that means I'll give you a good chapter.  
> At least I hope you think so. ;_;

_"I'm just thinking about stuff...like the inevitability of death..._  
_and how irrelevant all our problems are in an infinite universe_  
_and just things like that." - Dan Howell 2013_

****

He shouldn't be here. This event is supposed to be for Dan's friends and family, real ones...but Phil couldn't help himself. The part of the obituary that talked about Dan's pre-funeral viewing had haunted Phil the most until he gave in, put on his darkest semi-formal clothes, and took a long tube-ride down to Berkshire. The newspaper had said it was open attendance, but he really shouldn't be here. He doesn't belong here. 

Phil is staring at the guest book in the front, wondering whether or not he should sign it and if he does, whether or not he should be truthful with his name. In the end he scribbles down _Phil Lester,_ the black sheep in a sea of people with the surname Howell, and moves on to sit in an inconspicuous corner of a pew at the very back of the room. He's not prepared to go up front and actually meet people, meet Dan's relatives. He's not prepared to go see Dan for the very first time only to see him lying in a coffin. So Phil sits and looks around, not knowing what he is doing here.

His anxiety and sadness increase tenfold as memories of the last time he went to a funeral take over his mind. It wasn't that long ago when he lost another good friend he'd lived with at Uni for three years. Ending up at another funeral event so soon isn't good for his emotional health. 

The people milling about around him become the only thing to keep Phil from having another breakdown. He uses them as a distraction, tries to figure out everyone's relationship to Dan. Some must be friends, others cousins, aunts, uncles, parents...maybe he even had siblings. Maybe he had an older brother like Phil's brother Martyn. Or maybe Dan was a Martyn to a younger sibling. That line of thought is still depressing, but somehow it keeps Phil focused on just Dan's death rather than Dan's and a death he has already mourned. Thinking of one friend dying is horrible, but thinking of two friends dying is so much worse. So he sits alone in the very corner of his pew and fidgets as people come and go. 

He tries to block out the sobbing and sniffles he hears around him because he knows that if he lets them affect him and starts crying himself, he might never stop. He kind of wishes he was like one of the kids here, the ones who don't seem to know what's going on at all and simply follow the adults wherever they go. It would probably make everything hurt less, at least for a little while.

He eyes the coffin up toward the front and tries to convince himself that he's ready, but the truth is that he won't ever be ready. Nobody is ever ready to face the reality of a loved one's death by seeing them lying motionless in some fancy death box. All packaged up for whatever came after this life. 

Eventually though, Phil works up the courage to walk to the front of the room and approach the open coffin left lying there. The minute he sees the young man lying inside however, all the breath leaves his body and he feels like he's been punched in the stomach. It's Dan and Phil knows that, but it doesn't look like the boy he knows. Dan hadn't been nearly as pale as him. He wouldn't be lying there like that, his fringe was wrong. His earlobes were still bare. Phil knows he would have gotten pierced ears in the next few years... The only thing the person who made Dan up for the service got right was the boy's love of black. That's all the color he was dressed in. That's what the majority of color in his bedroom and wardrobe would have been in their shared flat one day. Now that bedroom, their flat even, would never come to be. 

Phil curses himself because he can feel his eyes start to water and he can't allow himself to break down here. Not when it might take forever to pull himself back together again and not when he might have to explain his relationship to Dan if anyone notices his tears and comes to console him.

Keeping himself from breaking down at that moment ends up being one of the hardest things Phil has ever had to do. Even then, he can't stop the few stray tears that make their way down his face and leave wet little smears on his shirt sleeve when he wipes them away. He can get through this. He has to. He just doesn't know how. He doesn't even know what to say. Was he supposed to even say anything? Phil doesn't know. 

He stands there for a while, taking a mental step back and turning himself numb so he won't cry as he looks over Dan's face. It doesn't feel right to be so emotionless as he looks over the boy's face, but he can't stand to look at him and allow himself to feel. So instead of being numb as he looks or sobbing by letting go, he closes his eyes before letting himself feel. He doesn't talk, doesn't speak out loud as if Dan can hear him. He just prays and hopes Dan can hear him that way instead. He doesn't even know if his inner "praying voice" makes any sense, but maybe at the very least, someone somewhere could make sense of his mess of emotions right now. 

Phil opens his eyes again and takes one more quick scan of Dan before turning numb again and moving away. He wouldn't have been able to hold himself together if he stayed any longer.

When he steps away, Phil sees that someone else had been waiting to approach Dan's coffin, some elderly woman who smiles kindly at him even though it's a bit shaky with grief. He wonders who she was to Dan, maybe a grandmum. A nan who had fully expected her grandson to outlive her and one day attend her funeral rather than the other way around. Phil just nods at her briefly and hopes that it's enough of an acknowledgement for her. He turns his focus to pulling himself together now and facing the small line of people not too far away. 

Just a little more and he could get out of here. He could race back to his hotel room for the night and cry in peace. And once he'd pulled himself together, he could take the tube ride back home and cry even more in his old bedroom until his eyes were swollen and red. Phil is tired of crying, but he knows from experience that it had been the only thing that allowed him to grieve and finally let go the last time. So he would allow himself to cry later again in private. He just has to go through the line of Dan's family just a little ways away from the coffin in order to leave. 

The actual burial would be a private family affair and Phil was certain he couldn't bear sitting in a church room full of Dan's loved ones for more than an hour during the service either. Which meant going through the little line of family at the front was all that was left to do. After all, it would be disrespectful to just show up to see Dan's body and then leave without going through the line. Still, Phil gets a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as he approaches the woman closest to him at the start of the line and introduces himself. 

"Hi, I'm um...Phil. Phil Lester." He feels awkward as he reaches a hand out to shake, but the woman accepts it right away and smiles kindly at him. Her brown eyes look sad though and far too familiar - Dan's eyes. Phil knows exactly who this woman is before she even says it. 

"Hello, dear. I'm Daniel's mother. Thank you for coming." 

Phil nods, his gaze turning to face the floor before he realizes that might be rude. "I'm so sorry for your loss. He was too young." 

"Yes, he really was." She stares at him for a bit, tilts her head to the side as if she's considering something. "You seem familiar by the way, Phil...Are you one of Dan's friends?"

Oh, no. Phil's mind screams at him. _Yes, YES! **JUST SAY YES!!**_ "Um...I-" 

Then the woman's eyes seem to spark in recognition. "Wait a minute. Phil, as in AmazingPhil?" Phil's heart leaps into his throat. Why did Dan's mother know who he was? How could she possibly- "You're the one who made those YouTube videos Dan always watched."

Phil's whole world turns upside down. For a moment he doesn't know what to feel. Doesn't know how to process what he's hearing because he had always assumed his knowledge of the boy he grew up with had been a one way street and one way only. 

_Dan...you knew me._

Did Dan dream about him too? Did Dan know everything about him? He could have been waiting just as Phil had for the day they would meet. A day that should've come, but hadn't. Phil feels like he's about to shatter into a million pieces so it takes a minute for him to realize Dan's mother is talking again. 

"I didn't realize you were friends." _Friends...me and Dan._ Phil guesses that will have to do. 

"Yeah, I...knew him, but I didn't really get to meet him. I found out about this viewing the other day though and I just thought...I couldn't stay away." He doesn't know what else to say so he ends up repeating himself stupidly by saying "I'm so sorry for your loss." That stupidly cliché saying a grieving family probably hears a million times from everybody at a funeral. Still, Dan's mother smiles kindly at him again, grasps his hand, and pulls him into a hug he hadn't been expecting. 

"Thank you, dear," she says and it makes Phil feel hollow. "I know Dan would have been thrilled to meet you." 

_Just as I would have been._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quote used at the beginning of this chapter is from a BBC Radio 1 video someone kindly uploaded onto YouTube. The video will be linked down below.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4OL-irwf38  
> (Dan and Phil Confession Roulette) @3:32
> 
> ****
> 
> Sidenote: I am trying to be as accurate as I can with details guys (except of course that Dan **did not** die at 17 in this universe, thank god) so I'm sorry if the timeline or some events are a little off and I have no clue what Dan's mum's name is. I tried to look it up, but I couldn't find it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you haven't noticed, this fanfiction is now bumped up to seven chapters rather than the originally estimated six. So this is not the last chapter, the next one is now the last chapter. xP

_"My grandma was a psychic woman and apparently she passed the gift on to me." - Phil Lester 2009_

_****_

Dan knew him, he'd watched his YouTube videos. Not only that, but Phil realizes when he gets back to his hotel room and turns on his computer that Dan had commented on his videos too. And Phil hadn't even noticed. He read every single one of his YouTube comments and he'd somehow skipped over what would have been the most important one to him. 

_"ily. we have the same likes and dislikes, except I like your glasses <3"_

He feels like his soul is being crushed. It isn't fair. None of it is fair. Not being able to meet Dan. The boy being gone from his mind for the first time in almost two decades. Seeing him for the first time at the boy's funeral where he was paler than he'd ever been. Meeting Dan's relatives before he left, his nan, his mum, and even his younger brother Adrian who made Phil want to cry because he looked just like Dan. And now to realize Dan hadn't just watched his videos and known him, but that he'd tried to make contact through a stupid little comment back when he'd been alive...It isn't fair. Dan wasn't supposed to be gone. Dan wasn't supposed to be gone when they had been so close to finally being together. That's what hurts more than anything. 

Phil cries just like he'd promised himself he would, but even after he's tired himself out with the tears, he can barely sleep. When he goes home the next morning, the tube ride back being a blur, he feels heavier than ever as if the funeral did nothing to relieve him of his torment and only made everything worse. His mum rushes to him in worry and relief once he walks through the door. He's just glad his mum realizes now might not be the time to lecture her grown son about leaving the house without notice when he had come to visit. "Where have you been?" 

Phil doesn't have the energy to explain himself and tell her so he hands his mum the pamphlet he got from the viewing. That only seems to make her more confused though, more worried.

"You went all the way down to Berkshire to attend some stranger's funeral?"

_Some stranger._

Phil knows it would probably be a mistake to say anything, but he can't seem to help himself. "He's not a stranger, mum. His name is Dan." 

His mum's expression changes and becomes more thoughtful. She stares down at the pamphlet and the picture inside it before turning her face back up to peer at him again. "You've met him then?" 

"I...no, I haven't." Saying anything had been such a mistake, but now it's too late to take it all back. Phil is too tired to even try. "I didn't get the chance to, but I know him." 

Phil has half a mind to stop this conversation before it goes to an even more depressing place by asking where his dad is, but it seems like his mum isn't about to let this go. 

"I don't understand. You've just said you never met him. Did you speak to him over the phone, internet...email?" 

"No." Phil can barely keep his hands from shaking and his breathing is starting to get uneven again. His mum's next question is like a stab to the heart. 

"Did you know him from YouTube?" 

He just about collapses on the floor, unable to look his mum in her worried eyes and hating himself for falling apart again because he knows it will take forever to pull himself together. His mum must think he's a crazy person now. He knows she's fussing over him again, but he can barely focus on her as his mind tortures him with all that has happened. Dan is gone from his mind, but at the same time he's all Phil can think about. The visions aren't there anymore, the ones that seem like memories more than imaginings, and no new ones show up, but Phil still remembers what some of them are. 

_"This isn't a L'oreal advert, you twit!"_

_"Shut up."_

_"Hello, you. Are you still sick?"_

_"Microwaaave."_

_"May you please turn off the lights, Philip?"_

_"Phil, I can see you through the crack. Stop trying to prank me, you dingus!"_

_"Try not to make sex noises, that's really distracting."_

_"PHIL..? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE YOUR PHONE IN YOUR POCKET? YOU TWIT!"_

_"Oh, this one's all about best friends so I dedicate this to you, Phil."_

It kills him. 

Dan had worried him before with what seemed like an ever increasing despair. He wonders if what he's feeling now that Dan's gone is anything like that sadness Phil had failed to help Dan get rid of in the first place. Even when Dan had grown steadily darker and depressing, he'd been a safe place for Phil's mind to go. Now all Phil's mind gives him is torment, a pathetic little echo of deadened thoughts that pale in comparison to the previously bright and vivid visions along with Dan's presence. 

Phil is usually a very happy and optimistic person, but he can't seem to find his way out of this endlessly dark pit of misery. There doesn't seem to be a single speck of light or hope within his reach and Phil hates it. No, he doesn't hate it, he fears it, because he knows staying in this deep dark pit will eventually drive him to insanity. Phil is tired of fighting it, but at the same time, he knows he can't just give up. He has to find a way to get through this and be happy again. 

When he finally starts to pull himself together again, he comes to realize his mum's arms are still around him, that she's gently rocking him back and forth in her effort to bring him back. Phil can tell that his mum knows her gestures are working as she feels him relax out of his near-fetal position. Her voice, even mixed in with her confusion and worry, is gentle and soothing, trying to help. "What's wrong, love? Why are you so upset?" 

He finds that he can't lie to her. It's far too late to lie by this point. "I'm upset because Dan is my best friend. Maybe I'm not his because he didn't even know me really, but I _know him_ and he's mine. He's always been my best friend because he's always been there growing up with me. We were supposed to meet and it just hurts because now we're never going to! Dan is my best friend...He was supposed to be my best friend." 

His mum is still rocking him, a grown woman rocking her grown son in the middle of their living room floor when she can't even fit him completely in her embrace. "And how do you know this, dear?" 

So Phil tells her, the first person he's told since that kind nurse from his primary school days. He tells her because he's tired of pretending Dan was just some stranger to him, that Dan didn't mean anything to him when the boy had been so much of his life. He tells his mum how Dan was there for as long as he could remember, that he dreamed of him on most nights when he was a child. That the dreams grew stronger and more frequent until Dan came to him every night and eventually during the day. He tells his mum how Dan was distracting and confusing, but everyday he was there and Phil came to know him more and more. He describes how Dan grew up with him and all the images that came to his head everyday of Dan or the two of them together. Images of what might have happened if they met or knew each other. And of course, he tells her about the day he realized Dan was real, the day he saw his face on the newspaper obituary. 

"I thought for a while that I just imagined him, but I didn't. He wasn't an imaginary friend and I'm not crazy. I don't know how I knew him, but I did and he's real. He was real." 

The silence is deafening. He becomes afraid to turn his face up to look at his mum whose arms are still around him in her attempt to cradle him. He feels like a child. He feels like an idiot. He feels like a lunatic...and he's sure his mum thinks so too. Phil is just resigning himself to his mum recommending they go for counseling first thing in the morning, when she finally speaks. 

"Sounds like you inherited your nan's gift." 

That wasn't one of the responses Phil had been expecting and it's just enough to make him look his mum in the face again out of his confusion. "What?" 

Phil's mum sighs and looks contemplative as she considers her words. "My mother, your grandmother, was a psychic. She knew things, could predict them. She had...visions...too, of the past, present, and future. Sounds a bit like what you talked about." 

Phil blinks at his mum in disbelief and doesn't even react to her pushing his fringe out of his face as if he was a child again. "So you believe me?" His heart still hurts, but everything feels a little less crushing when his mum nods and Phil realizes he won't be taken to some asylum for what he's said. 

"You seem like you really know him. It would have been difficult to make all of those things up even with _your_ imagination." She smiles gently at her words before she turns serious a moment later. "I'm sorry about Dan. He was important to you." 

Phil swallows the lump in his throat, his gaze turning back to the floor as he gives a tiny nod. Dan really was important to him, always would be. His mum doesn't say much more except that maybe Phil should talk to his nan and ask for her advice. At that, Phil simply nods again and resigns himself to what he has to do to keep going. Although it's the last thing he has ever wanted, Phil tries his best for now to push all thoughts of Dan away...at least for a little while. Until he feels likes he can breathe again. 

_****_

_"And at that point, I kind of realized that I didn't really care about the other YouTubers.  
I just wanted to be spending time with you." - Phil Lester 2010 (from the infamous video that shall not be named) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might have gone a little overboard with the number of quotes in this chapter...oops.  
> But to quote Dan - "It's too late now." Lol.
> 
> "ily. we have the same likes and dislikes, except I like your glasses <3" - Dan Howell 2009 (tweet? It's some kind of message thing...) 
> 
> The rest of the quotes are from these videos in the order of the quotes' usage:
> 
> 1) The Super Amazing Project - HARRY STYLES GHOST (superamazingproject YouTube video by Dan and Phil - @ 2:07)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TmXiyW_wgk
> 
> 2) Commonly said by Dan. Multiple video sources, some are listed here:  
> Truth or Dare 2 (danisnotonfire YouTube video - @ 0:26)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4du_DHK2As  
> How To Make British Pancakes (danisnotonfire YouTube video - @ 2:38)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jnh8Lj0hDho  
> AmazingDan (danisnotonfire YouTube video - @ 1:48)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B55gtJJmTBY
> 
> 3) Originally from one of Dan's liveshows (I'm sorry I don't know which).  
> Saw this part @ 0:02 from a YouTube video by amazingphanonfire. The video is titled "phil had sex with a dog" (sounds bad, but it's just a joke, lol) and it is linked below!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqwpaJ-weWE
> 
> 4) Phil is not on fire 2 (AmazingPhil YouTube video - @ 3:04)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhQItMIzzYg
> 
> 5) The Super Amazing Project - INAPPROPRIATE OCTOPUS (superamazingproject YouTube video by Dan and Phil - @ 2:29)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p1cDqcEaWg
> 
> 6) Dan's liveshow on October 30, 2012  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6lWRmSFnmo  
> (Above link is a random and short YouTube clip where someone recorded this part of Dan's liveshow - 0:07) 
> 
> 7) Dan the Dinosaur (Danisnotonfire YouTube video - @ 3:17)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzcmSTpTZ-U
> 
> 8) Originally from one of Dan's liveshows (I'm sorry I don't know which).  
> Saw this part @ 2:04 from a YouTube video by CookieTimeGAC. The video is called Dan and Phil (Younow Moments) (Part 1) and it is linked below!  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43GSpA49pHw
> 
> 9) Dan and Phil Show (BBC Radio 1 on 1/05/14)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3k3tGyHVn-8  
> (Above link is a random and short YouTube clip from the Dan and Phil show - @ 0:02)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has required extending one more time because this last chapter started to get lengthy.
> 
> Also, I am so sorry I've dropped off the face of the earth for this story.  
> If you want a bit of an explanation for my absence it will be in the end notes...

_"Come back to life. I'm scared.  
I can't live without you, Dan." - Phil Lester 2015_

****

 

_"You've had visions of someone?"_

 

Days, weeks, and months pass and Phil carries on with his everyday routine. He tries his best to have his life back to the way it was except he pushes anything emotional away now. It's best not to give in to something that can lead to dark thoughts after all. He hasn't cried a single tear in several weeks. It is proof of his learning how to block out the rest of the world as he goes through his tasks. One thing at a time. Complete focus. 

 

_"How often did the visions come and how strong were they?"_

 

Phil learned the hard way that his mind likes to get distracted and goes off track far too easily. Now he is more focused than he has ever been. Because _not_ focusing on a single and mundane task in front of him lets his mind wander and his wandering mind brings nothing good anymore. These tasks are distractions - school work, laundry, studying, cleaning the house. He's more focused. He's doing better in school. And his room is cleaner than it's ever been before. 

 

_"And you say they've stopped now since the boy died."_

 

He hangs onto these simple distractions and his everyday routine. School work and cleaning. Sleep when he's tired and eat when he's hungry. He avoids the TV and music, especially anything with piano or Muse. And he avoids YouTube as if it would kill him. It actually might. 

 

_"...Yes."_

 

He maintains emotional distance, but still talks to his parents and friends in an attempt to keep them from worrying. He knows they can tell anyway though. He finds he can't really bring himself to care all that much after a while. Let them think he's crazy. Maybe they're right. Maybe he really has gone mad. 

 

_"Then I think it's all in your head, Philip."_

 

All in his head... He doesn't dare think of the boy. It hurts too much and yet the thought of him is always there lingering in the back of his mind. It's haunting him. It throws him even deeper into his routine until that routine becomes his whole life - eat, school, laundry, eat, study, clean, eat, shower, sleep.

 

_"Grandma, I'm not crazy-"_

_"I don't mean having the visions in the first place. I meant that their disappearance is all in your head. That obituary was posted after Dan's passing. He was already gone before you knew and yet you still had visions of him then."_

 

He has lost track of all the days. He has lost track of how long this state of being haunted and going through the motions from day to day has lasted. It feels like it has been a lifetime and Phil is tired. He wants to stop, but he keeps going anyway. His body won't allow himself to quit. Eat, school, laundry, eat, study, clean, eat, shower, sleep. 

 

_"If you had such a powerful connection with this Dan that hadn't been dependent on his actual existence and life, it shouldn't just vanish into nothing. It's not something you simply lose. Maybe it could have been diluted, because his soul is no longer near on Earth, but it shouldn't be completely gone without a trace."_

 

Eat, school, laundry, eat, study, clean, eat, shower, sleep. 

 

_"You have shut him out. Dan is only gone because your mind has made it so."_

 

Eat, school, laundry, eat, study, clean, eat, shower, sleep.

It's all Phil knows now.

__________

 

Some days Phil is so tired from all his effort to get through the day that he falls unconscious the second his head hits his pillow. Other days he lies awake for hours unable to sleep as he fights off the attempts of his mind to revisit painful memories and bring up miserable thoughts. Tonight is one of those restless nights. So Phil cuddles in bed with Lion, his beloved and tiny stuffed animal. 

The fact that Lion has been in almost all of his past YouTube videos had made Phil avoid him for a while, but recently Phil has taken to cuddling with him on restless nights. Despite the stuffed animal's strong association to him and YouTube, cuddling with it had helped him fall asleep in the beginning. Unfortunately, Lion doesn't seem to be enough to help him anymore.

Phil sighs and turns over in his bed. Nights are always the hardest part of his days, right after showers in second place. These are the places where people's minds tend to wander and think too-deep thoughts. These are exactly the things Phil wants to avoid, but he can never avoid them for too long. 

Phil knows tonight is a lost cause in keeping his dark thoughts at bay. It's already happening anyway, so he supposes there's no reason for him to really avoid looking over at that one dreaded corner of his nightstand tonight. If only to let himself wallow in his misery for a little while. He has already turned over to the right side of his bed for it, all he has to do now is look up. When Phil finally does, he is instantly met with the sight of Dan's all too familiar eyes staring back at him, the feeling of a knife in his heart. Two pairs of Dan's eyes, both gazes seeming to fixate on him through their immovable paper states. Paper - flat and lifeless, but still there on his nightstand. 

At first, Phil hadn't known his reason for keeping them there, but now he does. He kept the newspaper obituary and pamphlet because those are the only pictures he has of Dan. They are the only way he'll ever see Dan's face again. And he needs to see Dan's face because as much as he wants to move past this, he can't bring himself to forget. Every memory of the boy in his head has already become far too hazy and blurred, disappearing.

 

_"You have shut him out. Dan is only gone because your mind has made it so."_

 

"No, no, no..." Phil shuts his eyes and turns his head away from the two paper Dans beside him. He folds in on himself, holding Lion tight. It doesn't make sense. How could his mind have been shutting Dan out from the very instance he knew of Dan's death? How could that be true when it felt like he had been doing all he could at the time to hold on and keep him there? Phil doesn't know what his mind is doing anymore. It hurts constantly now as his mind seems to be playing tug of war with itself. To forget or not to forget. Neither side seems to be winning and both options are equally painful to consider. 

_Sleep, Phil. Sleep._ He hears himself command. His mind is a swirling vortex he feels himself slipping away into more and more. _Shut it all off and sleep._ So he works on reigning in the vortex, smothering it down like a fire under a dampened and water-heavy towel. It's only the moment right before he falls asleep, when his thoughts have finally numbed and gone silent that the voice comes. _No, come to me._

But Phil's mind slips into numbness and rest before the voice can even register. 

__________

 

It's dark here. 

Phil's dreams used to be filled with the colorful and strange, but then the darkness came. It's something Phil has become used to these past few months and yet this darkness is different. It isn't forceful, heavy, and suffocating the way that it usually is, the way it has to be in order to push out everything else that would be painful thoughts. This darkness is peaceful and still, calm. It doesn't rage; it doesn't force; it doesn't lurk. It simply exists. It holds Phil in an almost loving embrace and promises rest, escape from pain. Escape from all feeling and thought. 

Phil wanders deeper into it, unafraid. He reaches out tentatively into the stillness as if he's grasping for something, as if he's testing if there's an invisible wall before him that will keep him from wandering even further. 

"If you keep going you won't come back." 

Phil is deep enough within the darkness that he doesn't completely unravel at the sound of this voice, the hint of his presence. But he could never be deep enough within the darkness that this voice would leave him entirely unaffected. _Dan..._ Even now, even here, Phil can't bear to turn around and face him head on for fear of his heart. The darkness calls to him even stronger. 

_Shut it all off and sleep. Come to me, Phil. Come to me._

"No, come to me," Dan's voice drifts over, weak in volume but strong in its lure. It's not enough to make Phil turn back, but it's enough to make him stay frozen; as if Dan is a magnet not close enough to pull Phil in and not far enough to let him go either. 

Darkness calls, a sweet whisper in Phil's ear that's so tempting to follow. This is just a dream, it must be. There's no harm in wandering deeper if he'll eventually wake up. There's no harm in accepting some peace for a while when such peace has been denied to him for so long. But what had Dan said? _"If you keep going you won't come back."_ Did he even want to come back anymore? And still, the gentle darkness calls. 

_Stay here, love. I can give you peace._

And still Dan lingers, though his voice and presence seem to weaken. It's enough to make Phil listen closer. 

"Is that what you want?" 

Peace. Of course he wants peace, but is this the kind of peace he wants? He could stay in this darkness for a night. He could stay in this darkness for an eternity. Phil doesn't know which offer is on the table. He doesn't know if a change in such options actually matters to him. Maybe he really doesn't care anymore, but Dan's voice insists that he consider it. 

Phil turns to face him and his breath returns to him once those deep brown eyes meet his own gaze. Phil hadn't even realized he had stopped breathing here, that he hadn't needed any air. Now his lungs are gasping for it. 

"What do you want, Phil?" 

 

_Shut it all off and sleep._

_No, come to me._

_Eat, school, laundry, eat, study, clean, eat, shower, sleep._

 

"I- I don't know anymore..." Phil finds that he suddenly feels cold, his body is shaking, and he's still on the borderline of hyperventilating. How did he not realize any of this before? A dull and deadened sense of panic starts to rise up in him. Dan just stands there through it all, staring at him and waiting. 

"Come back with me," he says. 

Phil shakes his head at the thought of it, the return to his routine.  
_Eat, school, laundry, eat, study, clean, eat, shower, sleep._ "You won't be there."

"Try me." 

Dan turns his back and starts walking away. And before the boy's form gets swallowed up by the distance and darkness surrounding them, Phil responds in the only way he knows how - the way that keeps Dan close. He begins to follow. 

Soon the darkness lightens and keeps lightening as they walk. Phil knows it means he won't be numb anymore, safe from his thoughts and feelings. He can feel the panic and dread that are starting to rise to their full height inside him. He doesn't even realize he's stopped walking until Dan turns back around to look at him. So here they stand, face to face, and they both know without looking that there's an invisible threshold between them, a line each wants the other to cross. 

It isn't too late. If Phil went back, the darkness would numb him again, take away his sense of panic and dread. He'd forget about the cold and needing to breathe and he'd eventually stop shaking. Dan could stay here in the darkness with him. They could wander forever in safety here. They could stay. But then Dan reaches a hand across the line toward him, palm up. Waiting for him. 

So Phil takes it, grips it far too hard. He takes another breath and then, hand in hand with Dan,  
he steps over the line. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginning quote is from  
> "BOSS BATTLE SHOWDOWN - Dan and Phil Play: Donkey Kong Country Tropical Freeze #4"  
> (DanAndPhilGAMES YouTube video - @4:22)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkRobOvElMs
> 
> _________
> 
> So, I've been gone a while because there has been a lot going on in my life since the beginning of the new year. Some good and some horrible. Seriously, my life started to resemble a dramatic movie for a while there...
> 
> School seems never ending, but in addition to that I've had people coming in and out of my life. Visits here, trips away, family, new sweetheart who popped up out of nowhere (fun), and a stalker (totally not fun and horrible). 
> 
> Anyway, I'm handling it all and trying to get back into writing. So I am SO SORRY, but I promise I am working on the last half of what would have been the final chapter if it wasn't so long.  
> I hope you haven't given up on me and this story. As always, kudos and comments are much appreciated.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there again. Sorry I've been M.I.A. for so long, but I'm back now to post my final chapter before another hectic week. 
> 
> Truthfully, I'm not sure how this last chapter turned out, but I'm pretty happy about it and so proud it's all complete.  
> Still, it's been so long since I've written for this story that the ending might have become tweaked a bit in my head.  
> I'm not sure. I hope all of you who are still here like it regardless.  
> You've all been wonderful so THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT AND FEEDBACK!
> 
> *ahem. Please feel free to leave comments and kudos to let me know what you think. Enjoy. ^_^

Phil wakes to a darkness lighter than the last one, the darkness of his room at night. He wakes up here, curled into a little ball on his bed with Lion, and he doesn't even have the luck of forgetting what just happened. He's not numb anymore. All of his thoughts and feelings that had been kept at bay descend back upon him now with a vengeance. Phil feels like he could manage to break his no-crying streak at the moment. He wants to cry enough tears to drown in his own puddle and make it stop. 

He doesn't know what's worse, the painful reality of coming back or the knowledge that he would have wandered straight into that darkness and given up. Phil curls even further into himself in his shame. He had barely been strong enough to return to himself and he wasn't even sure if it was worth it. He was weak. 

He's about to sink into another inescapable vortex of thoughts when a little flicker in the corner of his room makes him jump. His eyes catch on something then and all it takes is that second glance before Phil forgets his self-pity, sits up, and stares. His mouth goes dry and he feels faint at what his eyes are seeing. He tries to speak and finally manages to choke the words out on his third try, still in disbelief. "You're here." 

Dan's resulting smile is small and sad. His voice is soft. "Yeah, you idiot. I'm here. God, you've made such a mess of things." 

What Dan says barely registers because Phil is too focused on finally hearing his voice again to think about the actual words. Then Phil's focus shifts to looking Dan over and he can't help but notice something is wrong. "You don't look so good, Dan."

It's true. Dan is translucent at best and the longer he stands there the more that translucency starts to turn to transparency. He's fading. 

Dan shrugs, but something about the way he moves and carries himself speaks of pain and sadness. "Our connection...or whatever it is, has always depended on you and lately you haven't been letting me in." Dan shifts again and sighs, his eyes looking down, his form dulling in its vibrancy even more as he speaks. "I thought that was what you wanted. I thought that's what was best for you then. Not having me around after what happened." Dan's face lifts back up to frown at him, his eyes almost glaring. "Apparently not." 

Phil can barely meet Dan's accusatory gaze. It's furious at him. It's not just the anger though, it's the fact that the anger is mixed in with an equally powerful blend of anguish and hurt. And something else too, fear. 

"You were going to keep going, Phil. You were going to walk into that fucking place and lose yourself." Phil has no response to that.

Dan stares at him for a while in the silence as if expecting an answer, but then he glances around the room, taking in all the space that has been cleaned spotless from Phil’s routine. Phil sees the troubled expression on Dan’s face when those wandering eyes finally land on his nightstand where those same eyes look back at Dan from paper forms. 

Dan swallows a lump in his throat as he stares at the paper Dans. "Do you know how much it hurt to sit around and not be able to help you?” His eyes flash back to Phil, imploring. “To see how you've been doing these past few months, see that you were miserable, and know that for some reason you wouldn't let me in anyway?” Again, Phil says nothing. He’s afraid to interrupt. 

His friend shakes his head, messy fringe almost falling in his face. “I was left to think that you seeing me would make things worse for you. That no matter how miserable you looked, you were keeping me out because having me around would only make you more miserable. Then when I saw you were going to _give up_ and keep walking without me, I finally realized there was no way I could show up and make things worse. Things were pretty much the worst they could already be. But still you were keeping me out so I had to _fight_ and _force_ my way back through to reach you.” 

Dan slumps as if he’s exhausted. He very well could be if getting back here to stop him had been as much of an ordeal as he says. “Even now you're fighting me and it's taking everything I have to stay here with you. It all hurts." 

Phil shifts in his bed, sitting up further. "I'm not shutting you out. I don't know what it is I'm doing, but I want you here with me, Dan." Couldn’t he see that? Dan said he’d seen how miserable Phil has been all this time. How could he think Phil was keeping him out? 

Dan just shakes his head again. "You say that and maybe you truly believe that, but subconsciously you're trying to keep me out." 

Phil feels his frustration rise. "Then tell me how to fix it!"

Dan winces at the volume, his form flickering for an instant like a flame. "I think you have to accept what happened. You need to keep living."

"…I wasn't planning on killing myself just because you're dead, Dan."

Dan gives out a humorless laugh that still manages to send tingles down Phil's spine. It's been too long since the last time he'd heard Dan laugh at all. "Yeah, I know that all right, but you don't have to be dead to stop living.”

Phil wasn’t following. “What do you mean?” 

Dan’s arms fly open gesturing dramatically around the room. “ **This!** All of this! You can't numb yourself to the world, just go through the motions, and shut everything else out. That's not _living,_ Phil. It's just existence...and I should know."  
As soon as those words leave Dan's mouth, Phil's mind is assaulted with memories that aren't memories. 

 

_"I literally hated life from the ages of five to twenty..."_

_"I hate everything about myself."_

_"I did not have a best friend for the first eighteen years of my life and my friends always liked other people more than they liked me and sometimes it was extremely lonely and depressing."_

 

Phil's heart feels heavier at the reminders. Yes, Dan would know exactly what that kind of life was like. He lived it. Phil was supposed to be the one to free him from it. 

It's like Dan reads his mind. "You're one of the few people who saved me from existing rather than living." 

Phil feels like those words stab at him because they're wrong. "How could I have saved you? I've never even met you! I never did a thing for you, was never there for you. I couldn’t be." 

"Well, we both know that's a lie. You did everything you could. You did everything right. It's not like it's your fault that I attracted near-death experiences all the time.” Another personal tidbit Phil was well aware of from years of knowing Dan. Dan scoffs, “Well, multiple near-death experiences and one actual one, I mean. I was the one with the bad luck of dying in some stupid way like a moron at 17 and you can't blame yourself for that, mate." 

Phil rubs at his temples; the late hour, little sleep, emotional turmoil, looking at Dan’s faded form, and talking about all of this is taking its toll on him in the form of a monstrous headache. "You're probably not even here right now. I really am just out of my mind." 

Dan's image blurs violently as if he's nothing more than some hologram, a light that flickers and is about to go out. But Dan clenches his teeth, face contorted in what looks like agony, and seems to fight him with all his might to stay. 

"Phil...don't shut me out. Don't shut anyone out." His form solidifies the tiniest bit, but still flickers dangerously. 

Phil tries to focus, but this is hurting him too. "What would you have me do then, Dan? I’m sorry, I can't let myself act like nothing happened! Everything, everywhere, and everyone reminds me of you. And right now, it hurts too much to have you with me when you can't really be with me."

"But I’m not asking you to act like nothing happened! I'm saying you shouldn’t lose touch with reality or the fact that I’m still here like this. I would be with you every single day if you'd just let me."

_Let him._ Phil breathes deep as visions of false memories flood his head again, memories that are lies but seem far too wonderful and real. He aches for them to be his reality. 

 

_"Phil? Will you join me for moral support?"_

_"No, no, no...oh Jesus on a boat."_

_“Are you_ actually shitting _on my leg?”_

_“…No, I think your personality is too adorable for it.”_

_“…just my way of saying I don’t know that it was definitely when I dropped the ice…and or frying pan.”_

_“Why are you wearing your bandana over your eyes? This isn’t pin the tail on the frickin’ wardrobe.”_

_"And there we have it, it's a beautiful cat!"_

_"This was the most fun I've ever had."_

 

It still hurts. "All you have to do is accept what happened." 

Phil thinks he’s beginning to understand what Dan is suggesting. Those visions aren’t true and he can’t cling to them anymore. He can appreciate them and hold on to Dan, but he has to know that none of it is real, at least not in this world. The cards have changed for them. The Dan of this world, Phil’s world, is dead. If he wants this Dan and those memories to stay, he has to be okay with that, accept it, and stay in touch with reality or he’ll sink down into an endless depression and insanity. Hang on without clinging and move on without leaving. 

Phil’s head and heart hurt as he tries to work it out. He’s not sure he’s capable of doing what he needs to do here. Perhaps it’s best to let it all go and slip away to wallow. Maybe it’d be less painful than having a constant reminder hanging around of something a small part of Phil, despite everything, still thinks and hopes he can have. His body shakes with all the mental and emotional strain. “I don’t know if I can do that. Accept that everything with you and me was going to be…real, but not anymore. I don’t think I can be okay with that. It’d be easier to think I’m crazy or that we wouldn’t have met if you were still here anyway. It’d be easier to think that if we met, you wouldn’t be the Dan I know and none of those things I saw would happen. That it’s all in my head. Because then I wouldn’t feel so robbed, like we were so close to all of it. I don’t know how I can be okay with that.” 

Dan bites his lip as he faces the floor in thought. "If it’s any consolation…everything you saw of us, those visions that were supposed to come true, they still exist. Something went wrong this time, but in another world, in another time, we still _meet,_ Phil. All those memories you saw are real. They happened and they'll keep happening. Just not here and now, but somewhere and sometime else we’re together like that. I promise you." 

So he can close his eyes and know that it’s better and real in another life. It’s not all gone forever or lies. It’s just that he can only be the spectator of that life with Dan, never an actual participant in those moments. If that’s true, the other Dan and Phil, the ones he sees, must be very happy. That does help him a little. But… “If we’re not going to be like that anymore, what happens to you and me this time?” 

Dan’s voice is gentle and calming, “Well, that’s up to you. We can’t be how you always wanted because we don’t - _can’t_ \- meet anymore, but everything else is still on the cards.” Dan sits on the edge of his bed now and Phil notices that his form has become stronger, more visible and solid. “This me can be pushed away or I can be here for you the way I used to be before I died.” 

Phil feels vulnerable and small at the options presented to him, all of it is reflected in his shaky voice. "You're saying you'll stay with me?"

"Yes, of course, you dingus. Always. As long as you want me to." 

Dan can stay the way he used to, for the most part. Except now Phil will know the truth of their connection and how it can no longer lead to anything more. That hope had been such a big part of his plans and life though. Can he handle it? Phil sighs, "How is that any healthier? Living with you in my mind but never in reality. It'd be like I'm clinging to you and never letting go."

"I think that's what you're doing now. I mean,” Dan’s eyes glance to the side, “…you have two of me on your nightstand."

Phil surprises himself by scoffing at Dan’s remark. It was almost a laugh. Those brown eyes radiate with happiness at hearing it. 

Dan has almost completely solidified by this point. His outline is no longer blurred and he looks so much lighter as if a weight and terrible burden has finally been lifted off his shoulders. He doesn’t have to struggle to be here anymore. "I want you happy the same way you wanted me to be happy. It's okay to miss me even when you have me because it isn't in the way you expected me to be around. It's okay to have me around and be with me if that's what you need. And it's okay for you to be with me as long as it doesn't take over your whole life. Let me just be one piece of it...Try to find a balance." 

A balance… Dan’s eyes are looking at him in earnest, waiting for his answer. 

“It’s _your_ choice.” 

After juggling all the twists and turns of emotion and downward spirals through this whole ordeal, Phil thinks maybe, just maybe, he can learn to manage it. 

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

EPILOGUE:

Life is good again. But it hadn’t become good right away. Even with Dan’s renewed presence in his life, it took a long time for Phil to heal and learn to balance life with Dan along with life without him. He struggled through it. He had to hold down his panic those first few months every time Dan’s “visits” were over and he disappeared. He had to trust that Dan would come back. 

Phil had to learn not to cling to the boy as well as learn how to let him go without shutting him out. Balance…balance was difficult. And once he’d mastered not to cling or shut out, he had to learn to function in his new reality with Dan by his side again, this time fully knowing they would not meet in this life despite their continued connection. 

All this took a long time, but Phil did it. Now Dan is part of his life again more than ever before. He has become Phil’s personal cheerleader, critic, and confidante. So Phil continues on; he grows and changes over the years. He graduates from university, gets back into YouTube, and slowly becomes successful in gaining millions of subscribers. Dan even bounces video ideas to him and shares stories and visions of their lives together somewhere, sometime, else as YouTube collaborators and friends.

So Phil changes, he grows. He meets some adorable and awkwardly funny girl, Susan, who he ends up dating and eventually marrying. All the while Dan supports him and teases him, laughs about a life where they have a Susan, Susan 2, Susan 3…an endless list of Susans since it’s their go-to name. Phil grows and changes. He becomes a dad and tells his children little stories of Dan over the years as a child and awkward teenager. The times he fell up an escalator, pushed a panic alarm, fell asleep under a table at work, and thought microwave was an onomatopoeia… Dan doesn’t mind except for that last one. He still insists it’s an onomatopoeia. 

Phil grows and changes, but Dan does not. His appearances are always as his seventeen-year-old self frozen in time since his death. But when Phil looks at him, he can see past it, see the other Dans all at once - the kid, the teenager, and the adult at various ages – as if they’re echoes of the Dan in front of him. He sees the visions Dan shares with him too, glimpses into another life, little gifts that are infinitely precious as kinds of memories of them growing up and growing old together.

For a time after Dan came back to him when he was younger, Phil had been sad. Sad that this was all he and Dan would get to be for his lifetime. It didn’t seem like enough. Now Phil sees his connection with Dan for what it is and nothing more because as great as it could have been, they are both happy right now. So Phil will continue living his life. 

He can’t imagine now how he could have possibly thought of giving it all up, subconsciously or not. He can’t imagine walking into that darkness from years ago and letting it swallow him whole into numbness. After all, he had feared the end for so long, even back then when he was at one of the lowest points he’d ever been. Funny that from losing Dan, he had been so ready to throw in the towel even though he was so afraid. It’s funny because even with his fear all but gone, he can’t imagine giving up life now or cutting it short because of Dan. He still has decades left to go until the end of his natural life span, but he has already come to terms with it. One day, his life will cease no matter what, so there is no point in speeding up what will already come. Dan could disappear and Phil would miss him and be sad about him, but he’d live on and do both their lives justice. Dan knows after all their years together that Phil would be okay without him now, he has known for a while, but he still stays. He’ll continue to stay as long as Phil wants him, and Phil wants him to stay. 

So Dan stays and Phil lives and grows. He changes. He enjoys his happy reality with his family, friends, and Dan. He still dreams of a different life with Dan, but he’s content where he is and content that he and Dan exist together elsewhere. Beyond that, someday the curtains will close on this life and Phil is not afraid of that or a Dan frozen in time or an absent Dan anymore. He’s not afraid because he knows that no matter where either one of them goes, him or Dan, the other will always follow eventually. Whenever the curtains will close on him, the doorway to Dan and wherever he is will open for them to be together again, together for real this time for this Phil. Until then, as Dan says and knows, 

 

_"Life’s too short to waste any time being unhappy."_

 

Which means until then, Phil is going to enjoy what he has with his Knight of Wands and make the absolute most of it.

 

****

 

_“To me, the meaning of a human life is to be happy, it’s to achieve happiness right now. It’s to make sure you’re happy in the future, and so that generally when you look back on your life, you’re like: yes, that was satisfactory.” – Dan Howell 2013_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo many citations... T~T
> 
> Quotes are from these videos in the order of the quotes' usage:
> 
> 1) Draw My Life - Dan Howell (danisnotonfire YouTube video - @7:02)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypDWE-3kdgA 
> 
> 2) Not sure of the original source. Found it in Dan saying he hates everything about himself (Sofia H YouTube video - @0:08)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNK7ZvFOjXw
> 
> 3) Internet Support Group 2 (danisnotonfire YouTube video - @4:01)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRo-whiN_0U
> 
> 4) Dan and Phil vs. Tumblr (danisnotonfire YouTube video - @0:50)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fl7nHK7GtY
> 
> 5) some bloopers from phil is not on fire (danisnotinteresting YouTube video - @4:27 )  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmi2u1zRM0A
> 
> 6) Portal 2 Co-op BLINDFOLDED (DanandPhilGames YouTube video - @8:45)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdyzivNiDmQ
> 
> 7) Dan and Phil PUNK EDITS IN REAL LIFE (AmazingPhil YouTube video - @1:29)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoudTpQSHSE
> 
> 8) full confession thing (danisnotonfirevyou1 YouTube video - @6:46)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4OL-irwf38
> 
> 9) THE WARDROBE (AmazingPhil YouTube video - @4:13)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wxLYC1AVZ94
> 
> 10) Blindfolded Cat Face Game (AmazingPhil YouTube video - @0:32)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epqmPdvEQAA
> 
> 11) phil is not on fire (AmazingPhil YouTube video - @3:13)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6VevN2mn5s
> 
> 12) Draw My Life - Dan Howell (danisnotonfire YouTube video - @7:39)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypDWE-3kdgA 
> 
> 13) The Meaning of Life (danisnotonfire YouTube video - @3:01)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDG342_AJVE


End file.
